There’s something so great about having the blog that I do. I welcome disagreements, I welcome rebuttal and for the most part, I welcome strong opinions that can swing either way. But I never expected the amount of misinterpretation and hurtful declarations to come from Heart Over Vagina. That was a change of context that definitely caught me off guard. So in the spirit of honesty and clarity, I decided to face those opinionated comments head-on, to clear the peripheral haze.
The phrase slut-shaming has resonated with me. Truthfully because I would never put down or diss anyone who participates in casual sex, sex outside of a relationship or even further, sex outside of marriage because I did this. I do this. I’ve also made this clear many times in context on social and on the blog. However, I’m making it very clear to you all now… I would and never will shame someone for enjoying the right to enjoy sex.
I find it hard to imagine how anyone would assume I didn’t believe that women had rights to choose or weren’t strong enough to have sex without understanding what happens afterwards, be it what they wanted or not. I feel like I’m a reasonable person- I understand both sides wholly, simply because I’ve been on both sides. So let me clarify: I believe women can do as they please and are strong. I believe that women and men, when smart and prepared, can carry on to have fulfilling sexual and/or emotional relationships. I don’t believe that women are stupid and that having sex with men they aren’t committed to, are stupid which brings me to my next thought.
The entire Heart Over Vagina article was simply to say this: I’m finally ready to be in a committed relationship. I’ll finally hit that breaking point where fun and games aren’t really on the agenda and conversations of commitment and sustainability are more in my forefront. Having dealt with men, uncommitted, for the past three years has drawn me to the conclusion that I can’t partake in sex because, since my breaking point (see two sentences prior) my heart is ready for something more than just sex. And that, is not uncommon. In fact, it’s why the post was written. I know so many women have/do feel this way. And no one seems to be talking about the heart. But this is me personally.
Lately in the press, it’s been about woman being strong and dominating. And please believe, you know I stand behind that 100% percent. But in those articles, is it fair to say that the premise is to have sex without strings attached without maybe realizing that some women aren’t ready for the repercussions that come from that? AND THIS, is where I think people were lost in my words. The kind of sex I want is something that should be shared with someone you care about and are hopefully committed to each other and not sharing juices with someone else. However that’s not always the case. I’ve had sex with people I’ve had no true feelings for or even wanted to continue seeing. And it was beyond fun. Until it wasn’t. And that’s where I’m at. It took one date, one person, one moment for me to realize that this isn’t what I wanted anymore. It didn’t make me less of an independent, strong, dominating woman. It made me a decisive woman on top of it all. I know now that I want more than just a hook-up.
For me, I was able to separate feelings in sex, never connecting the two unless necessary. But it got to the point where I started using it to fill voids. And I also knew I wasn’t alone. And I knew that my amazing community would know what this feeling is like and more than anything, be there in support.
Another moment that struck me as odd were the comments of the “three date, 30 date” rule and that it didn’t matter how long you stuck it out for, if they leave you after you’ve had sex, they weren’t a good guy to begin with. I couldn’t help but scoff at these comments. It’s not about holding out because I think a certain time will be sufficient enough to sleep with a man. I don’t think there’s a 3 date, 30 date, 40 date, 60 date blah blah blah regimen women are to abide by. What I believe in is time. If I were to sleep with a man after the 23.5 date and he leaves, is it really about the sex? Probably not. There’s no method, code or formula that women AND men are supposed to abide by. I think that men who decide after the 30th date, that it isn’t working (including the fact that you’ve had sex) doesn’t make him a bad guy as some of the comments were suggesting. It just makes him decisive enough as women should be too. So, personally, I’m not abiding by a timeline. I’m going with what feels right and what hasn’t worked is sleeping with a man too early. So what will work for me is to allow time. Because in time, things evolve. And evolution is where exciting things happen. But also, the friendly little hate group that was started about me was named brilliantly, Steve Harvey Fan Club. Great one.
Sex is about connection- whether for the moment or for a lifetime. Sex is to be enjoyed exactly how a willing individual wants to enjoy it. There aren’t rules for sex really… just as there aren’t rules for dating. Never did I want to press upon my own mission onto you readers. However, the proof in the pudding, most of you agreed.
Now, in fucking conclusion, I thank all who inspired this Part Deux post. So carry on with your bad selves, go make some sex (or not) and enjoy your life. Mine just happens to be enjoying a glass of Lambrusco, some girlfriends, great music and a really pretty apartment to gawk at.
Oh, and also, I’m probably going to start my period so that’s why I’m all emotional. Shoot me. (Oh let me guess, sexist? SHUT UP.)
P.S. For all those who I tricked for April Fools- oh how I got you good! Missed it? Head here first, then here. It’s good. I’m not going anywhere kiddies. And for the amazing, supportive emails, texts and comments I received… whoa! Thank you for the support. The Italy trip is definitely something that will happen in my future so I suppose it was my public reminder to never let me forget what I really want to do.
P.P.S. Did anyone notice I changed my Twitter bio + deactivated my Facebook Fan Page? BWAHAH. Got you good.What do you say?